


The Sword's Tale

by Nia_Kantorka



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: An Abundance of Footnotes, Blasphemy, Canon-Typical Violence, Don’t copy to another site, Humor, M/M, POV Inanimate Object, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-08-14 08:17:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20189167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nia_Kantorka/pseuds/Nia_Kantorka
Summary: You think Crowley is a drama queen? Aziraphale a fussy angel? Wait until you've meet Aziraphale's flaming sword. Featuring: Our favourite angel and demon, Shem, Longinus, Jesus, the International Express Delivery man, everyone who comes together at the airbase in Tadfield, and the eponymic sword.





	The Sword's Tale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [temporalSilence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/temporalSilence/gifts).

> This is a gift for @crowleysnek for the #GoFanExchange. Crowleysnek, I hope you will like this. Your prompt 'Raphael Crowley' gave me much freedom and this is how it ended up. I had a really good time writing the sword's a.k.a. "the fussy Madame's" point of view. Enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to @hastur_lavista who organised the exchange! My undying gratefulness to [Candamira](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Candamira/pseuds/Candamira) and [ClassicHazel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ClassicHazel/pseuds/ClassicHazel) for their alpha and beta read - you guys made this a lot better. Honourably mentioned need to be [ElectraRhodes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectraRhodes/pseuds/ElectraRhodes), who nudged me to take up this idea and @WisesnailArt, who was my test reader and loved this to pieces. You all rock, ladies!

**The Sword's Tale**

He gave me away. 

It is quite disheartening for a sword to be given away. 

Imagine a well-made, sharp sword like me, flaming for special use against occult beings. A destructive, awe-inspiring weapon, appointed by the Almighty herself. From a sword's point of view, that is definitely a reason to be elated[1]. But there I was, given away at the first opportunity. 

To be honest, even after six thousand years, it is still a sore point. We, the angel and I, had just got used to each other; I could already imagine what our connection would grow into. The angel wasn't perfect, of course[2]. Admittedly (and I don't want to talk behind his back, as I feel loyal to him, and will until She gives me a new order), he really should have improved the strength of his sword arm. His grip was too soft; a real opponent would have disarmed him in a heartbeat. Some training could have mended his lackadaisical hewing and stabbing.

Well, there wasn't any more sword exercises for him after I was handed over by my supposed master. As it was, I was pushed into a human's hand, while the angel's instruction _to keep this man and woman safe_ flowed from one of my iron atoms to the next. What a bummer. 

With time, I got used to them. Humans, I mean. They are not so bad. Spoken in hindsight, I know I got much more gruesome action than I would have with the Principality Aziraphale of the Eastern Gate. 

That guy was a goner from the beginning for two reasons: for delectable inventions of all kinds and – above all – for the demon, Crawley, no, Crowley. We all know why. Or, I should say, every single one of the celestial beings – weapons included – knew what was going on there. Well, except for Aziraphale and Crowley, of course, who were made to forget. 

Don't rat me out to God when I tell you this. You know that the Fall separated them – Aziraphale and Rapha… Err, Crowley. But they weren't the only ones; a lot of deep friendships, or whatever one might call it when angels are inseparable, were destroyed that day[3]. Lovers, "an item"; call it what you will, many relationships were obliterated[4]. Aziraphale and Crowley were, in fact, the only ones still inseparable afterwards. In that, they have always been rather unique.

Funny how long it took Gabriel, Michael, and their gang to realise it was their fallen archangel brother with whom Aziraphale was fraternising... 

***

The next time I felt the angel's presence was in Mesopotamia[5]. I was being carried in a sword belt around Shem's hip, who was trying to get some terrified unicorn onto Noah's ark, when the celestial pull of Aziraphale made itself known. I wasn't able to do anything. Shem was focused on the wayward perissodactyl. He should have brought a snaffle instead of a sword, because I'm really more of a "big, sharp, cutty thing" and not suited to help with four-legged creatures in the slightest. 

_Cutty thing_?!? Aziraphale has _such_ a way with words...I don’t think. Such undignified definitions of myself aren't usually a thing I would...wait. Back to the story. Lord, give me strength. 

When Shem finally got the unicorn in hand, I was able to catch a good look at the angel[6]. Of course, the moment I took in his appearance, Crowley turned up, greeting Aziraphale as if they hadn't seen each other in centuries. Maybe they had, maybe they hadn't. It was of no concern to me, except I didn't like the constipated expression they shared. Without shame, I listened in on the conversation between the visibly disturbed demon and the equally uncomfortable angel.

"Not the kids? You can't kill kids!" 

Aziraphale nodded unhappily. 

Uh-oh. Angels cannot criticise Her. Demons can. And Crowley did. I never knew him well, back before the Fall. He was mostly busy caring for one plant or another[7]. If he wasn't inventing new floral medicines, he was hanging around with Lucifer, who was not only Her shining star, but also the most bewitching angel ever. No wonder that, living in this guy's shadow, Crowley got a bit megalomaniacal too.

Well, how this turned out, we all know, so I concentrated on their words again. 

"... the Almighty's going to put up a new thing called a rainbow, as a promise not to drown everyone again."

"How kind."

"You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley."

That's right, angel. You tell him. 

Aziraphale seemed much happier now, especially about that new invention. If he had me still at his side, I could have comforted him with my presence and he wouldn't have to wait for that rainbow to emerge. Just saying... 

Anyway, although Crowley didn't seem to be that bad for a demon[8], he shouldn't be the cause of another celestial being's downfall by influencing them to question Her actions. 

***

I crossed paths with Aziraphale and Crowley again, about three thousand years later. My current wielder was the Roman centurion, Longinus. He was ambitious and not fussy when it came to killing others in a fight, as soldiers wont to do. From what I had learned about humans thus far, I guessed he would move up the ladder fast. It was his duty to crucify Christ on that day and he drove huge spikes through the Lord's hands and feet. I'm not sure why the powers of Heaven dragged me into this[9]. 

It came as no surprise that Aziraphale winced with every stroke hitting through the flesh and bones of our Lord's son. Then Crowley showed up out of nowhere, wearing a handsome hooded dress and looking as if someone was killing his, rather than the Almighty's child before his very eyes. 

Unexpectedly, the Centurion also seemed to shudder while pounding nail after nail. Scrutinising his feelings, I realised that they were dominated largely by distaste, and the desire to be somewhere else. Longinus didn't let it show when he gave the command to put the cross up, but his eyes flickered from one wound to the other and I knew he regretted his actions, from the bottom of his heart. Christ groaned heartbreakingly when his full weight pulled on his wounds.

"Ow. That's got to hurt. What was it he said that got everyone so upset again?", asked Crowley.

"Be kind to each other."

"Yeah. That'll do it."

The demon had a point. Humans can be petty and sadistic creatures when they let themselves get carried away[10].

***

After Golgotha, I lost track of Aziraphale and his demon. Humans took me on a lot of journeys; I fought in many wars. With Alexander, I conquered Egypt and Persia. The Vikings rediscovered the Americas with me around. Through the centuries, I was carried into every single victorious or forsaken crusade[11]. I did good, even without my ethereal companion.

At times, I felt Aziraphale near. When we were only miles apart, his celestial aura allowed me to vibrate and I was close to rekindling on a number of occasions[12]. As it was, we continuously missed each other and my flames stayed unlit. And, although we tended to end up close together as the humans created history, I wasn't sure if these non-meetings were due to the Almighty herself, or Crowley doing miracles of his own.

Even from afar, I gathered: These two spend an awful lot of time together. How Heaven and Hell failed to observe their deep bond is beyond me. It had either never been cut in totality, or they had built it anew over the millennia. Alas, it wasn't my duty to tell on them. 

Also, I had my own problems. Over time, fighting with swords went out of style and guns and bombs became the new hype. From an intellectual point of view, I saw how effective these human inventions were. With one stroke, you could kill so many people. Their efficacy seemed to diminish the psychological value - or burden, however you look at it – of taking another's life, though[13]. Anyway, the day came when I wasn't carried around any longer, but put into a collector's exhibition. From that, it was only a short while to gathering dust on a museum shelf[14]. 

What a comedown.

With time passing, I became brooding and gloomy[15]. 

That is, until I was put into the back of the delivery truck of the International Express Service. I could feel the gears of the ineffable plan turning – as if the scales and the crown weren't already a dead giveaway. 

The delivery man was an astonishingly chipper chap that stumbled into a tense situation like it was a tea party. But the moment War laid her hands on me, I forgot all about him and rejoiced. Finally. Finally, I was back in the game[16].

So, War. That was someone I could get on board with. A fierce and fearless lady. She got things done. Maybe not in favour of humanity, but life at her side was everything but stagnation. She caused mayhem and destruction on her way to the small village of Tadfield.

***

Riding on a bicycle was fun. Being in the company of Death and Famine wasn't so bad, either. I admit the pollution following in Pollution's wake was a bit much; even after such a long time, I still share traits with the angel. So, yes, some clutter is tolerable, but this amount of grimy debris makes me uncomfortable. However, I'm fairly sure they are otherwise a nice person. All in all, the Horsepeople were not the cheeriest of folks, but I did really like their hands-on approach. 

We reached Tadfield. To me, the village seemed like an extension of the garden of Eden, or any other place She especially loved, in a more modern way. The love radiating in all directions was neither human-like nor divine. Colour me intrigued.

The Antichrist. How peculiar that Satan's own son was a bringer of love. For his friends, his family, his hellhound-turned-dog, his village, and, in a more abstract, but still valid, way, for God's whole Earth[17]. 

More important to me was the angel – he was near. His presence was not far away, and growing stronger every second. 

And there he was. Aziraphale reached the showdown just in time, the fallen angel at his side. Surprisingly, Aziraphale was not in his usual corporeal form, but shared his current body with a woman. The Antichrist, Adam, I have learned by now, revoked this abnormality and my angel was back in his flesh. Looking good, if you disregard the fact that we were in the middle of an apocalypse. 

With the Principality's presence right next to me, my flames roared to life. Right at the moment, War drew me trying to intimidate… A little girl? Lady, I admit this makes me think poorly of you. Children aren't opponents for adults, theurgic beings included. Yet, one after the other, these children, powered by the unwavering trust the Antichrist had in them, beat the Horsepeople - even Death was defeated. Amazing. 

Not so amazing was that every single one of them picked me up, just to let me crash onto the tarmac again. Hello! Please have some respect for a flaming sword! At least Aziraphale admitted that I _was_ his sword, though I didn't like that he made this confession in the past tense. Seriously, angel. If I were able to, I would have thrown my hands up in despair. Also, he should have at least had the decency to draw me and take a fighting stance, after all of this time... 

Then, Heaven and Hell's supreme authorities, the Archangel Gabriel and Lord Beelzebub, appeared and approached Adam. They thought they could convince him to start their war again. Seriously, guys, five minutes in the vicinity of this young person and I knew he wouldn't be persuaded by the bullshit you were spreading. 

I am not sure how sane Gabriel actually is. He genuinely believed God didn't play games with the universe. Sadly, I can't shake with laughter over that one. Thankfully, they gave up on their efforts with the Antichrist once they realised it was fruitless, but not without threatening my angel and his demon, and to snitch on Adam. 

Great Plan here. Great Plan there. There is just one plan and that has always been the ineffable one. Apparently, God forgot to tell them; I wonder why?

Shortly afterwards, the ground rumbled. 

Uh-oh.

So, Satan himself materialised with lava and rocks flying in every direction to chide his child. I'm not sure why most divine and occult forces are such bad parental figures...[18]

At last, Aziraphale deigned to rescue me from laying on the ground for the rest of eternity. I was happy to notice the angel's grip had grown much stronger over the millennia, though he still didn't know what to do with me. Lord, have mercy.

Crowley must really be terribly in love with him. He stopped time for the angel because he didn't realise that the angel was most likely bluffing. Yet, I guess, Aziraphale had become much more Crowley's angel than mine; he understands him more than I. In the middle of things, I couldn't think more of it, because I was busy taking heart to fight Satan. Definitely not something you do every day. 

Suddenly, the demon, the Antichrist, my angel and I were on an ethereal plane, having a serious conversation about parents, humanity and what's doable right now. To be honest, I was just glad not to be in Adam's shoes.

I should have had more faith in humans. 

The boy told his satanic father to go and fuck himself. Well, not explicitly, but certainly figuratively. The best part was: Satan had no choice but to do as his no-longer-his-son ordered him to. 

Just like that, the world was a safe place again and armageddon a threat that did not come to pass. I can't know for sure, but my guess is that She is proud of my angel and the demon. They were not very adept, but loved mankind enough for it to make a difference when it counted.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to show my true Heavenly colours and fight Satan himself. Even a suboptimal fighter like Aziraphale would have smitten the former Bringer of Light with me guiding his arm. Next time, then.

***

I'm not sure how it has come to this, but here I am, on a bench in Tadfield, with Aziraphale sitting fully on my hilt. Angel, move your backside, you idiot! Well, the world was saved and things could be worse. I likely shouldn't complain that my angel and I have been reunited, even if he is crushing my very being...

***

Oh, if I had just shut my mouth. 

You see, the spirited Express Delivery gent came to collect his items. The crown, the scales... Wait? Not me too. No, no, no. I have just found my angel again! Oh please, Lord, could you just once do something?! 

He is giving me away again… Fine. You know what? I'm going to retire. Phew.

~fin~

1 Yes, celestial weapons do have a life of their own. In terms of heavenly conduct, it might be better and safer not to elaborate on how conscious I really am. [return to text]

2 That might come as a surprise, but angels aren't perfect. I never dared to ask Her, but my guess is, nobody's perfect - not even God. [return to text]

3 It was a tragedy that most angels could only remember a frisson of their own relationships, a sense of deja vu when close to a former loved one, but were adamant about remembering clearly the relationships of others. This made for some heated debates during celestial downtime, let me tell you... [return to text]

4 I'm a sword and don't know much about relationships, or love, for that matter. I don't know if _"being an item"_ is the correct phrase. All terms regarding gender and sex are somewhat of a mystery to me. Please be aware that, as a being composed of only hilt, blade and divine essence, I'm trying my best. [return to text]

5 I think it's due to God's will that I'm tuned in to him. [return to text]

6 Figuratively speaking, as I don't have eyes or, indeed, a biological body of any description. [return to text]

7 You might not know this, esteemed reader, but Crowley's alter ego was the angel responsible for healing, the patron saint of the ill. In Heaven, he was experimenting with the healing effects of plants all of the time. I think a good chunk of herbalism owes thanks to him. [return to text]

8 In my unilluminated opinion. [return to text]

9 I mean, of course I had heard about Jesus, God's own son, and I could see that he had grown into a lovely man. Why a sentient sword needed to witness his horrible suffering was beyond me. [return to text]

10 As a weapon, I had learned that considerably earlier than Crowley. Like, about a fortnight after Adam and Eve had to leave Paradise. [return to text]

11 To be honest, these religious wars made me uncomfortable. Whatever God people pray to is always God - She hasn't been caring for a while now what name you call Her. So this whole _my religion is better than yours_ has always been quite fruitless. I'm not sure why humans are such zealots when it comes to their beliefs. [return to text]

12 I hadn't lost the ability to blaze, but it needed an occult or ethereal being to be close to me to spark reignition. So, without one of those around, there were no flames. [return to text]

13 I'm a weapon myself and had seen enough dead in the hands of mortals. That doesn't mean I thirsted for it. Also, I disapprove of the easy way these newer weapons proliferate. Don't get me started on nuclear power. [return to text]

14 I'm not sure why nobody got punished for not saving me from such a fate... [return to text]

15 If She had just given me to someone else... Not that I don’t wish Aziraphale well, but being apart from him for six thousand years, and, worse, me having had nothing to do for about three hundred years, had taken its toll on my joie de vivre. [return to text]

16 It's rather depressing for a sword not to be used at all. Unlike in humans, neither tricyclic antidepressants nor SSRIs and SNRIs could help a weapon with beating depression into non-existence… Yes, I feel sorry for us, too. [return to text]

17 She would have loved the irony of it. Well, maybe She does love the Antichrist, just as She loves her wayward angel, and his demon, and, apparently, Earth itself. [return to text]

18 Sorry, Lord! It might be just me thinking this, but Lucifer could have learned something from Jesus, couldn't he? [return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, please leave Kudos. Or even better, tell me about it. Any praise will hopefully fuel the GOBB I'm currently working on.


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